Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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