We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
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