did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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