So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
As shirtless as possible
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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