Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
