They should really pass out barf bags in church
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
