he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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