i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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