She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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