I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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