I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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