i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Pants are for mortals
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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