Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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