She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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