what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
