my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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