FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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