she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
