My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
