I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
