i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i now understand why vodka
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
