At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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