Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
