i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
