i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
