: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
