Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
