why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
