The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
