spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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