he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
