I will die if light touches me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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