Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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