in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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