worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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