i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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