Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
