Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Vodka?
Forever.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
