also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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