she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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