i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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