i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
