Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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