i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
