Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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