wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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