I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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