He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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