my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
