Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
